Oooh... productive is This Chicken

This Chicken farted 5 and a half Eggs in total today. That's what happens when a chicken gets into the Coop a bit too early.

But no way in hell This Chicken will surrender the five Eggs happily at on go to the Farmer. Nope, This Chicken will blog about it first.

Tis only appropriate.

Seems like a good Monday. Can't wait til Tuesday. Hmm, must be that De-Lovely love song "Let's Do It" Alanis was singing this morning that goes,


But that's why birds do it,
Bees do it,
Even educated fleas do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

In Spain the best upper sets do it,
Lithuanians and Lets do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it,
Not to mention the Finns,
Folks in Siam do it,
Think of Siamese twins.

Some Argentines without means do it,
People say in Boston even beans do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Romantic sponges they say do it,
Oysters down in Oyster Bay do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Cold Cape Cod clams 'gainst their wish do it,
Even lazy jellyfish do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Electric eels, I might add, do it,
Though it shocks 'em I know,
Why ask if shads do it,
Waiter bring me shad roe.

In shallow shoals English soles do it,
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

The dragonflies in the reeds do it,
Sentimental centipedes do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Mosquitoes, heaven forbid, do it,
So does every katydid do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

The most refined ladybugs do it,
When a gentleman calls,
Moths in your rugs do it,
What's the use of moth balls?

Locusts in trees do it,
Bees do it,
Even overeducated fleas do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Let's do it, let's fall in love,
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Chicken is chuckling to and at herself.

Ooh! Getting mental picture of the Farmer, the Donkey and Lil Napo doing it! Aiyak!

p/s: Thanks 6lyrics.com for text and pix.

Chicken goes chicken-feet

Going chicken-feet (barefoot) or going kaki-ayam is such a fiinnneee thing to do when you're close to nature. It's just so good to be reminded that no matter how big your toe is, it will look totally humongous when placed next to such a dainty lil thing. That's what I believe - nature has always been great at putting things in perspective.

Nice lil birdy post

^ Burungan: Eventhough MRR2 is jammed like roti kahwin, the birdies gave us something to smile about.

It's been a while since this blogger wrote about something feel-good something. So today I'm gonna write about birds.



Specifically those leggy birdies (flamingoes or bangau la kot too far lah to ascertain the species) you can find flying and hanging around MRR2 lamp posts lined up across the National Zoo area, more often after a rainy afternoon. Ooh, they give me such joy and envious feelin'.


The photo above I recorded using my foc Sony CyberShot DSC-W30 after a family road trip to one of the country's best kept secret, Hutan Simpan Lintang off the Karak Highway.

Chicken wrote a long letter

Dear Chickietu my man!

How are you la dude?

(OK I'm not really waiting for that answer coz I'm writing in to b**** as you're the only person who will know exactly what I mean.)

Lemme get on with what happened.

This morning the Farmer and Lil Napoleanina called for scrum and the Donkey still not in.

So This Chicken earnestly just called out, "Yo Farmer dear, shouldnt we wait for Donkey?"

Farmer sarcastically replied, "If we wait for Donkey then we'll have to wait till finishes pulling the That cart (read: Defending the Donkey Part 1. Please also note that pulling the cart, be it This cart or That cart, is Donkey's thing to do, but in any case Donkey rarely does).

So This Chicken went in for the scrum, and The Farmer and Lil Napo tried to saddle This Chicken with loads of egg-farting whatever and This Chicken said, "Sure I can get some eggs out but hey what's the Donkey doing? I see that he's pulling hardly one cart per two months. Why izzit balik2 This Chicken has to be farting the eggs?"

Farmer said, "Oh Donkey's doing cart pulling in the street so Donkey's got a lot to do, yes Donkey does," (read: Defending the Donkey Part 2).

This Chicken was like, "If Donkey's doing that, so was This Chicken last week and Lil Napo the week before. So what? All of us have to do it la. Plus we also do a bunch more things than farting brown eggs alone, there's blue eggs, green eggs and pewter eggs. Now pewter eggs, your angel Lil Napo right here (right in front of Farmer's right-chicken This Chicken said this) said before, 'Pewter eggs is not my thing' and now Farmer've asked chickens from outside to supply. So Farmer still spend moolsh. Why not just get Chickenwan to come back?

Lil Napo goes, "Hey I fart out pewter eggs ok... (Yeah right. Bila pewter egg demand is high and sexy of course Lil Napo wana fart pewter eggs. Unsexy pewter egg dont wana fart pulak.. Those boring pewter eggs even more so!)

Farmer goes, "Oh if This Coop do that then This Coop will have to be compared to other Coop chickens who produces three eggs per day (read: That's total bullshit coz no other Chicken in any other Coop does that!)

This Chicken retorted, but we fart eggs differently, Farmer needs to note that to whoever's getting on The Coop's case la. Like Donkey, on top of all this doing less than other Chickens are (by that This Chicken didn't include the Farmer, perhaps he didn't notice, but truth be said Farmer hardly farts anything out of his a***)

Farmer goes, "Eh I've been pressuring Donkey to do the pulling (read: Defending the Donkey Part 3 and My Holy Farmeric Management Way Part 1). This particular cart he is pulling now will be Second Main Thing for the Coop next week see."

So This Chicken just geleng kepala and shut up for the rest of the scrum.

30 mins after scrum finish, Donkey waltz in at 1230. This Chicken asked The Donkey, "Eh so quickly your cart pulling today finished?"

Donkey goes, "What cart pulling? That cart pulling? It's next week on 31 lah. Which by the way also clashes with the cart pulling 101 the Farmer've set me for."

This Chicken go like, "Well its supposed to be Second Main Thing for the Coop next week."

(Note: Donkey, as bonehead as Donkey goes, once in a while do clue in that Donkey does have a clue about how The Coop is supposed to run. Proof as per below:)

Donkey said, "For next week ah? How can sure can't make it cause That cart pulling will only be happenning on Coop's dead day. Can't make it for next week lah."

And This concluded the conversation with, "Damn what a load of bullshit. Got only three chickens to eye yet the Farmer still cant keep track."

(End of what happened and now back to you, my man Chickietu)

On top of all the shitty stuff that just happened, yesterday The Farmer keep pestering This Chicken as The Farmer thought This Chicken simply didn't appear in the Coop for the heck of it (when This Chicken was actually at a big-ass egg making material party).

This Chicken wonders if The Farmer does the same to the Donkey? Naaaaaaahhhhh - Chickeitu you know it and This Chicken know it!)

So Chickietu the real actual important point writing and sending you this letter is, do you know anyone who's hiring a chickiceptionist?

This Chicken is tired of farting eggs and would welcome any non-farting activities to do.

Ok Chickietu, you've been a blast!

Thank you for your kind attention, and have a great weekend :D

"Tuntutlah ilmu biarpun sampai ke negeri China"

Berita Harian today carried a report of local company, Hijjaz Trade Corporation Sdn Bhd sponsoring bright SPM student Nik Nur Madihah Nik Mohd Kamal and her mom and dad to perform Umrah.

So you see, boys and girls, if you're hardworking enough, studying will not only get to China, but other points on Earth as well. For Madihah's case her spot was even more precious.

Wishing Hijjaz more inspiring feat soon.

Wishing the family better future ahead.

Wishing Madihah a good next step towards higher education (go to Jordan girl! UK is so passe!)

Wishing all of you guys out there keep learning. (OK this wish is more for me rather than anyone else. Do you guys know anyone else who gets only sleep marks on her forehead everytime she picks up an Economy 101 text book? I thought so.)

Chicken waits

A waiting Chicken is not a pretty sight. Imagine wings all terkelepek at the sides. The bulu pelepah all ruffled. The balung so penyek like that.

But the Chicken must wait. Have to.

The slowdown is making the Chicken quite afraid to fly away from the Coop and leave a nasty hate letter to the Farmer and all of his kuncu-kuncu.

So the Chicken waits for the perfect opportunity to disappear. At the same time the Chicken is counting on magic tricks that might take place by the end of the month or after a few more weeks.

Cause the Chicken can no longer lay nice brown eggs. Stinky yellow ones yes, but not healthy, normal ones, no this Chicken can't.

The events that has been taking place within the Coop has made this Chicken's capability and will to lay nice brown eggs a near impossible feat.

Especially when the Donkey is donkeying around this Chicken's eggspace. (We all know Donkey gets horny when a stud is nearby. Sheesh!)

Plus Lil' Napoleanina's been cheating off this Chickens' hardwork. (Taking credit for some other less fortunate Chicken's eggs, now that's plain nasty. Haiya...)

And the Barbarians are being, well barbarically stupider than this Chicken can ever imagine. (But in retrospect this Chicken believes the Barbarians are being barbaric as that's the only way to chase out high-maintenance Chickens. Bacul!)

What else can be said about the Farmer that this Chicken hasn't? Cheis! Can't believe the Farmer's doing has robbed this Chicken off sanity, humour, creativity, will, skills and even a vocab chock-full of bad language!

And all that is left is !@#$$%^&! (See pressing SHIFT and the first few numbers on your keyboard is what's left of my I-curse-thee vocabulary).

So this Chicken waits.

This Chicken is too sexy for its job

I'm too sexy for my job, too sexy for my job, my job's gonna leave me!
I'm a Chicken, you know what I do, and I'll do that lil' turn on the Farmwalk...

Yesterday was the day This Chicken finally received the much awaited enlightenment: That this Chicken needs to fly away from the Coop.

Seriously, just when about a minute before that This Chicken was still holding on to the much mentioned mantra "I'll rot here. I plan to rot here."

It just had to happen, I suppose. The days of feeling good about farting good brown eggs is about to come to an end, that's what This Chicken is feeling at the pit of its stomach.

And This Chicken's stomach aches. Pruuuut...!

Oops, farted out smelly air again instead of a nice brown egg. (Id est, I did not work at work today.)

But what's new? Truth is there has not been that many good brown eggs lately. All This Chicken been farting out are makeshift whatever-sempat eggs. Or kena-tipu-so-kena-fart-out eggs. Which are actually not real eggs. Meaning you can't eat the eggs.

Cause if you do eat them eggs, you'd be er.. stupid. Sorry about that. But it is the truth. Garbage in, garbage out, no? Yes.... So there's no need to re-eat the garbage ya?

This Chicken's gonna sing...

I'm too sexy for my job, too sexy for my job, my job's gonna leave me!
I'm a Chicken, you know what I do, and I'll do that lil' turn on the Farmwalk...

p/s: Id est or better known as i.e., means "that is" or "in other words". Cool eh?

Chicken delegated

This Chicken is tired, angry, freaked out, and damn irritated.

Tired from having the day-trip fly-out-of-the-Coop thing yesterday.

Angry from having read the list of eggs that needed to be farted out.

Freaked out from having realised that Lil Napoleanina, Stupid Farmer (oh yeah, didn't I tell you Farmer got promoted to Stupid Farmer for reasons I bet you can just guess?) and Donkey are going behind Chicken's back and plotting stuff that will contribute to my demise?

And finally, damn irritated. Because This Chicken knew this was coming. Can This Chicken cheat her own doomsday?

And oh, This Chicken HATE Lil Napoleanina and Stupid Farmer for being such a self-centered, agonizingly moronic fuckery beings who only deserve a flying kick on their asses for doing this.

Moral of the story: If you're gonna have to fly away from the Coop, don't do day-trips. I knew I should've taken sick leave today. Farts!

p/s: I am kinda proud that I came up with 'agonizingly moronic fuckery' for this post, which goes to show you only need a bit or air to fart. Oooh... I just smiled at my own wankery joke.

Been meaning to thank...

... TV2 for showing Dresden Files. Though this cool series has only one season and the cycle at TV2 has nearly reached its end, I thank the station for still choosing to air it.

... BB/BCB/CIMB branch in Brickfields opposite KL Sentral - I think it is the Wisma Koponas Jalan Tun Sambanthan branch - for being such a cool bank - literally! Though I am not an active BB account holder since ol' MARA days, I am still enjoying first class service from the staff at this branch. They are fast, efficient, helpful, and I have never caught any of them being anything but friendly and cordial while dealing with customers.

To more good stuff from TV2 and CIMB Wisma Koponas!

Relunctantly, I cheered through AJL 23

I got suckered into listening and watching Anugerah Juara Lagu 23 last night, thanks to a bunch of mates I was hangin out with. Surprisingly I was entertained when:

15... when the whole AJL 23 was nicely scripted and well handled by Cheryl, FBI and Sally Iskandar. I mean Ally Iskandar.

14... when the orchestra made Aizat's simple but melodious Lagu Kita all grand and posh. One vote for Ramli M.S. and his I-love-string instruments-so-much-I-just-can't-help-myself arrangement.

13... when we all have not heard ever of this Aiman guy. But if there's a separate category for best lyrics, bets will be on Dusta Berkalang.

12... when Sofaz's pop-rocking song got "sabotaged" by the strings ensemble going slurry krocety nyetnyetnyet all over the chorus, and their best rockin' face turned all soft and bubblegummy. Sappy sounding strings like that in a pop-rock song like Sofaz's? Bukan Di Sini. One vote out for Ramli M.S. and his I-love-string instruments-so-much-I-just-can't-help-myself arrangement.

11... when Estranged got innovative with white screens. Tapi macam pernah tengok je... Macam teater Mek Mulong...

10... when everyone's got a consipiracy theory on why Ayu managed to scrape through to the finals with Hanya Di Mercu. The strongest theory also linked Ramli M.S. being choice conductor and music director again and again when there are others who can do the job just as well, well aware that when it comes to orchestra, emphasis on string instruments is not compulsory on every damn song.

9... when Zahid's performance totally outdid Mawi's. He totally owned Doa Dalam Lagu, what more with Heliza's pitching and ad-libbing splattered all over the floor. Ouch.

8... when Stacy made Aku Stacy a legittimate contender. It deserved to be there just cause she delivers it so well despite having a tacky pair of gold leotard on hahaha!

7... when Faizal Tahir got a haircut while singing Sampai Syurga and ended up with a RM10,000 refund. Now when will I get a nice haircut like that and a refund just as much?

6... when Spider showed their maturity and wisdom by choosing to deliver Bila Nak Saksi all raw, sans Ramli M.S.'s string/piano crazy arrangement. Thank you, thank you, thank you Spider. Another vote out for Ramli M.S. and his I-love-string instruments-so-much-I-just-can't-help-myself arrangement.

5... when Chinese New Year came early with Farahwahida's Persoalan Cinta and the song bagged an RM12,000 angpow. Tumpang lalu, Noraniza Idris.

4... when Elyana's mic got screwed and her split-second disappointed face nearly ruin her bersahaja performance - but she pulled through. Kalis Rindu aye, kalis screw nay.

3... when I won the bet. Ya, with songs like Cuba and Hanya Di Mercu, Meet Uncle Hussein's Lagu Untukmu will win as the song represents new generation, new idea and new sounds coming from within our music industry. Somebody still owe me RM30.

2... when songwriter Julfekar showed his happenning side singing along to Lagu Untukmu's winner encore and during chorus he looked ready to ponggo with Audi Mok.

And my most memorable AJL23 moment was...

1... when Azwan Ali happily hooted and cheered for Ziana Zain's top-of-my-lungs-or-this-is-not-Ziana-Zain-singin rendition of Dingin! (Considering he nearly dragged Ogy & Melodi to court with her naughty makan hati comment on Ziana's wedding years ago huhu!) Damn funny la wei! Now we know why Azwan is still in this business..

What a coupla weeks out of the Coop can do

OK.

So This Chicken's been away from the Coop nearly a coupla weeks already. I'm sure by now eggs are laying on the desk waiting to be hatched but the rest of it are not really anyone's business, not even This Chicken's.

At home, no grouses, no holiday plans, nothing much to do except washing when the sun shines, watching halfway through soap operas from Indonesia, peck a bit at this and that...

.. and out of being so bored not bitching about The Farmer, The Barbarians nor Lil Napoleanina, This Chicken logged in onto her Yahoo!Mail and started digging some old, unopened forwarded emails saved for days exactly like this.

Yes, I read about what Anwar Ibrahim supporters are so passionate about. And the email prompted This Chicken to check out a link in YouTube. Hmm... funny how Anwar Ibrahim's speech about how he'll lower the pricing of minyak in YouTube is somehow tagged Ida Nerina Fauzi Nawawi Main Minyak Part 2.

Whateverlah. 

Like This Chicken care what Anwar Ibrahim, Ida Nerina or Fauzi Nawawi wants to do in their spare time.

Sigh.

Truth is This Chicken is quite embarassed. Not cause This Chicken just owned up to being curious about a left wing political hard sell speech nor having logged into YouTube and bumped into a sex video footage instead.

It is more of being embarassed over what goes on in This Chicken's head. It goes like:

So one guy wanna take over the country. 

This Chicken's immediate internal response: Ye la tu..

And two guys wanna do a 69.

This Chicken's immediate internal response: Takde keje la tu..

How could a Chicken who's been raised right by the parents can look at all this and not have any strong negative reaction towards it. Shouldn't it be like:

One wanna take over the country. 

This Chicken's immediate internal response: Who are you to take over the country when all you have given us is Bahasa Baku? And you were Menteri Kewangan 91 -98 as you've pointed out in the video I just watched, and you allowed slashing of education fund first during the recession? Real smart ya? 

Two wanna do a 69.

This Chicken's immediate internal response: Orang mesia ni takde kerja bodoh lain ke nak buat? Pegi tanam padi pakai kuku kambing pun kira OK lagi..

At least these kind of initial retorts would've been more er.. appropriate? Or is This Chicken's way too dumbed-down already to even worry about the country's political future and the rakyat's (celebs are rakyat too ya) moral?

Guess tis just The Chicken being out of touch with the world.

Enter the power-hungry Barbarians! Ach!

New characters has entered the Coop, and this Chicken is all unhappy about it. Barbarians - ooh, chickens in the coop are all trembling in "fear" and laughter.

To document this new characters is quite hard, frankly, as this Chicken knows not where to begin.

They claim they know everything. They claim technology is dead and the world is flat.

They like to mess around in the Coop, causing the Farmer to quake in his shoes. Yes, the Farmer is being bullied by the Barbarians.

The Barbarians are taking over the Coop because the can, and our dear ol' Farmer is too afraid to retaliate. Even when there is a threat to slaughter Farmer's beloved Angels, the Farmer is not doing anything at all as he was too busy not doing his farmerly duties.

While it is a lot of fun to see ol' Farmer being cornered, bullied and laughed at, us Chickens in the Coop is always aware that if the Farmer's not flexin' his muscles on even a bit of farming, us Chickens might just get slaughtered one, by, one. It will not just be the Angels.

Oooh... but this Chicken recently started a nasty rumour that those wanker Barbarians are also aiming to take away Farmer's beloved Little Napoleanina out of the farm as well. Woohoo!

Now us Chickens know what it is like to be the bad guy!

Exciting enough, but on a more serious note, this Chicken is wondering just how much more shitty can life in the Coop be?

In case you're wondering how us Chickens are coping, suffice to say we are now pecking methodically in the Coop to look good. Layin' low for now..

p/s: Go see Bolt in 3D!

Chicken talks about dasar pandang ke Donkey

Dasar pandang ke Donkey is actually is very practical approach to adopt while working in the Coop, as This Chicken can safely tell you. The dasar pandang part already suggests that you should follow the best example, and the ke Donkey pretty much sums up the fact that the Donkey is the best example to follow, as of right now.

I mean, why bother with doing any egg-laying activities when your eggs will end up not collected, not used and not sold by the Farmer?

Why is that happenning, you may ask? Well it is because the Farmer has his lovely pets, Lil Napoleanina and The Other to rely on for eggs. Not that they're bad chickens themselves, more of not the right kind of chickens for the Coop if you must ask for my humble opinion.

And it doesn't help if the Big Big Farmers of the Coop already told the Farmer that the right kind of eggs would be the regular brown that all consumers love. Less on the cholesterol and preferably washed before packaged. Simple ain't it?

But it is just that the Farmer is not liking this simple change. Oh no, no, sir. The Farmer loves whatever shade of eggs the Lil Napoleanina and The Other farts out. Whatever comes out of their butts must be good, so he believes.

No, no, sir, plain brown eggs is not his thing.

So why should this Chicken bother farting out eggs right? So this Chicken is going to do the Donkey.

The dasar pandang ke Donkey is the way to do it. This Chicken's gonna sit down at her nook in the Coop, turn me head to the left and look behind me shoulder and see what the Donkey does.

Which is nothing.

And that is what this Chicken will imitate.

A little song to go with this (sing it like you sing Oh My Darlin' Clementine):
Do the donkey
Do the donkey
Do the donkey la la laaa...
Do the donkey
Do the donkey
Do the donkey la la laaa!

Life is good...

Orientally alone

Waaahhh! I'm hooked on this new hobby. Previously I take shots of my lovely phoot whenever I had to travel alone. Now I'm taking my own shadow (plus my lil' point-n-shoot camera of course)!

Great achievement for the Chicken this is! Huhuhuhu! Wo ji ke ren zhai Shanghai. Wo te 24-hour Internet connection shi hen fast. Excuse my Mandarin now.

Bored, bored, bored

I am so bored. I wish I have some new DVDs to watch. Hopefully films that has nothing to do with coops, chickens, donkeys or asses, eggs and so on.. and so on..

I went to a few sites to get some stuff to watch, but connection's bad.

ASTRO's not behaving either (it's not even raining yet). TV2 had Chef Wan cooking a while ago but after that none of the free-to-air channels had anything good.

I went over my old movies collection. Found some old films. I've rewatched:

. Two Weeks Notice
. Wedding Singer
. Amelie
. Legally Blond

And now it's not even 4PM yet! Argh!

OK. Off to Fanfiction now...

Chutzpah!

This Chicken got a nasty shock yesterday. Our car was hit from behind by a gold coloured Toyata Camry WLV6805 at about 6.15PM on our way home.

We waved and asked the driver, a very smartly dressed 40-something complete with gold-rimmed glasses that's supposed to make him look oh-soh-professional, to stop.

But he just waved a "Pah! Nothing ma!" and sped off to the right! Not even a "sorry"!!!

Chutzpah!

Because the road came to a fork and we already went left to (try and find a good spot to) stop, we had no choice but to follow the trafic. We would've given the guy a chance had we not had the road dividers in between. Cis!

OK, Chicken was fasting. Boiling mad inside, but fasting.

So we decided, that's alright. Let's get through buka first. When we finally got a place to stop we checked for damage.

The bumper's all doinky and the plate number is ruined. Gonna cost us about RM4,000. How we know? Cause we've checked with our manufacturer la.

Takpe, takpe. Eat first. Be grateful first. Then on to Balai Polis Jalan Bandar to do our report.

Encik Polis: Nampak macam sikit je. Nak report juga?

Kitorang: Ya, sebab orang tu langgar lari Encik. (Dalam hati: Sikit pun bumper je RM3,900.00.)

Encik Polis: Isk ye ke! Baguslah report. Kita boleh kesan dia. Saman naik ni.

Kitorang: Terima kasih la Encik, tolong kitorang.

Encik Polis: Driver langgar lari ni memang tak hormat orang. Tak makan saman.

Kitorang: Memang Encik. Patutnya dapat je kesan kereta tu, terus rampas je kereta dia jangan bagi balik. Kalau rampas lesen je dia drive juga.

Encik Polis: Nanti saya sampaikan cadangan tu. Betul juga tu. Patut buat yang sama juga untuk driver-driver yang potong 'Q', yang ikut lorong emergency ke lorong teksi ke, mengekor ambulans ke. Baru la aman KL ni.

Kitorang: Kitorang sokong Encik.

Encik Polis: Nah sign sini, ambik copy report di Tingkat 1 Bilik 1.

Kitorang: Terima kasih Encik.

Chicken hungry la...

Ramadhan datang lagi...

This Chicken is not any thinner because, who gets thinner during fasting month anyway? Not if you keep going to those drive-you-crazy Bazar Ramadhan?

Food's not getting any cheaper there, but sellers are getting bolder. Some of them did not even bother to get their temp licence yet charge for their dish as if they're paying double for the site they're using as business premise. Isk isk isk.

If only This Chicken can rely on other sources for buka.

Not at this rate when there's lots of egg-ing to do and you can't fart out fast enough.

Somemore one Otai Farmer up there wants the eggs to be in multiple forms. Just simply healthy brown eggs alone no longer enough.

Must have a few other versions of it. With colour skew and so-called personalised hue. Basically this Otai Farmer wants the chickens to go out to one egg-ing session, virtually fart a lil dotted egg from the site, then come back and fart one standard-sized brown version, and lastly vomit another mucky version of the same thing.

Plus when you want to send the lil dotted egg, you'll be needing some sort of farming equipment to do it. So who's gonna give us Chickens one? The Otai Farmer said each Chicken will get one, but have to co-pay for it, got easy-scheme what not.

Yeah right. So much work, so little time, add in hutang into the picture as well!

This Chicken got only one ass to do all the farting. Want me to grow another virtual lil ass? Bayarla!

OK sabar, sabar, puasa maa...

Street pedicure

^ Miss Saigon in the making.

I've heard about the legendary beauty of Miss Saigon, and recently I had the chance to meet one in the making. No wonder la the ladies here are so pretty...

See beauty and personal grooming services are available along the streets in Saigon, and it is cheap too! One lady who was doing it said she charges only VND50,000 (=/-RM12) for both manicure and pedicure.

Crap in the Coop

Crap.*

There are just way too many wacko things going on in the coop. The Chickens in this Coop can only fart eggs, and wish only to fart out good eggs, but the quacks are making it extremely difficult to concentrate on delivering eggs and giving us Chickens more topics to poo about.

First, the Farmer.
Infamously lame, not quite warming up to the concept of Chickens being in the Coop because they could fart fresh eggs, instead loves leaving Chickens in big rooms of improvement. The head-honcho of the Coop who kowtows to the Little Napoleanina and the Concubine.

Second, the Little Napoleanina.
Tries to look and act cool but comes out looking power-trippy all the way. Loves to laugh at the idea of producing fresh eggs especially if the Farmer was the one making the lame-o jokes about it. The one who actually rules the Coop and calls the Pillar the best egg-farter in the world.

Third, the Donkey.
Nicknamed Donk, (Donk, not Don ala Don Coyote ye) Donkey is the resident talk-cocker. The bum that forces other Chickens to do OT. Always gay-and-giddy-upping outside the Coop and annoying the hell out of all Chickens too on top of everything. Gah! Farmer also calls Donk "Precious".

Fourth, the Concubine.
The crap* this post is all about. Adored and cherished by the Farmer and Little Napoleanina, this wacko David-Blaines changes on eggs on whim, as if no else (not even Chickens who actually the farted the eggs) know anything about eggs. Concubine also comes to the Coop and goes around town wearing a big-ass nametag that says, "TSK! I'M THE COOP'S CHIEF." Perasan betul...

Fifth, the Pillar
The egg-farter who once impressed the socks of Farmer and Little Napoleanina. The Coop's resident Gossip Girl, Pillar is also an expert when it comes to power-fanning the butts of the Farmer and Little Napoleanina.

Us, the Chickens
We eat, we drink, we meet them Darksiders^. We fart eggs. We gossip about the Farmer, Little Napoleanina, Donkey, Concubine and Pillar. Can't help it cause we're all in this charming lil' Coop. Thee hee hee.

^ Who's the Darksiders?
Maybe I'll tell you guys about them in another post.

Kasi sambelih itu projek!

^ Today's NST article, "PKR leader aims to review mega projects" featured Anwar Ibrahim's comment on mega projects, to which he said, "The RM15.2 billion high-speed broadband project would be cancelled as it was unnecessary."

"Unnecessary."

Wow, it's like he's taking cue from this one guy we knew who recently said, "Technology supplements should not be published anymore because technology is dead."

Gosh, it's like telling the world, we don't need TV. Cause soon broadband's gonna be the new TV. Take TV for its information dissemination, education and entertainment values, and add globalisation, communication, interactivity, cross culture, knowledge exchange and so on and so on...

Hmm, is this all a big conspiracy to revert the people back into dark ages?

Chickens speak Farmer, Farmers no speak Chicken

This Chicken got a bit soft yesterday - participated in a little bit of lameness with the Farmer. Ya, it was one of those rare moments when Chickens indulge in speaking Farmerish.

In fact This Chicken was so fluent in Farmerish that we even shared a little chuckle together.

In retrospect, it was kinda nauseating.

But those rare days do come.

And those rare moments do take place. Just that when it happens, it happens in a flash, unplanned, almost always regretted by This Chicken the second later.

But will Farmer even speak Chicklish? I don't think so!

Chicken vs Little Napoleanina

Before this post gets any further, let me just tell you what the outcome was:

This Chicken lost.

This Chicken lost to the Little Napoleanina, the nincompoop who came up with the idea of producing one helluv-an egg, yet could not figure out what colour the egg should be.

"White la!"

So you may say. Simple what.

Alo brader, eggs can come in many colours you know. White, off-white, pale white, brown, off-brown, pale brown, get the drift?

And This Chicken happens to be a fan of Easter eggs. You know, really colourful stuff? Quite hard to find but once you do it is worth telling people that you're the one who found it. If not pretty, you might as well don't have it.

Back to Little Napoleanina, who thinks all little napoleaninas are farmers by default. So Little Napoleanina found a great excuse of an egg, could not figure out what colour it should be, and then tells This Chicken to find lah a good one.

Suka-suka mak abah dia. Whoever wants an egg should freakin' fart one out la! Ape kes nak suruh gua pulak? Protest, protest.

But in the end, This Chicken ended up farting an egg out anyway. The colour? Blue. Of the gloomiest shade.

So what did This Chicken lost?

Her temper.

And whatever little amount of respect she had for Little Napoleanina 10 minutes ago.

UiTM oh UiTM

I am, well partly anyways, a UiTM product, tis one of the best training and learning ground I've ever attended.

During my time there, I like UiTM because of its:
1] Unconditional love for practicality.
For example, the lecturers always share updated skills, best practices and lessons learnt - the rest, don't bother (OK la, once in a while they remind us what poopbooboo you musn't do), not gonna be in asked exams anyway. We get more group tasks rather than individual basis. Most of the time, we have to do groupwork. Meaning divide and conquer. Meaning if you get lousy teammates, you can report to the lecturer everytime they screw team meetings then ditch their names out of the paper before you submit it. Totally acceptable.

2] Emphasis on let's-get-real, real-world experience.
Internship is a must. No internship, no diploma/degree. Of course with internship you get to learn the fact that some of your lousy teammates will likely end up getting a job as well as they too get to claim that they've done the real world thing, and they might just grow to become the assholes that grace the workplace outside. The good news is, you get to see their asses gets kicked by the officers/staff at the place where they do internship. Super cool!

3] Hardsell on long-term thinking.
Like you submit your theses in softcopy, print only the final/approved copy, save a tree, save the environment, save the world (sorry no cheerleader involved). Plus when you have lousy teammates you won't have to worry about having to minimise on printing paper as they produce nothing worth printing anyway, and they end up not ace-ing, and further down the road there is no need to waste paper for printing their scrolls which they are to embarrased to show anyone anyway.

4] Job opportunities available on campus.
The programming students get to commercialise their codes, the music students get to perform tunes like the Mission Impossible theme song during convocations, the photography students get to take photos of the graduating students and sell it back to them on the cheap (well it was very affordable during my time la no need to go to studios)... Oh ya, you can also become "part-time" security guards. The guys can just walk back to dorm 15 minutes after curfew while the gals can simply wear short-sleeve tees. Guaranteed to garner you a two-hour lecture by the (mostly) Little Napoleans who actually just want some company while they keep an eye on the grounds from their comfy little guard house.

Now who wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to be in UiTM? Syok oo..

"Welcome to the 30s"

So said Alfonso.

Yup. 30. That's me. This Chicken.

This Chicken who once said "Who gives a crap about the Coop."

This Chicken who once said, "Thank God for I've thrown away all the Garbage."

This Chicken who once said, "Goin hermitty!"

This Chicken who lives in Pastensu, all happy and nice here, and no longer wonder why she's here.

If you are not happy where you are, come on over to Pastensu. I've been here since a few years ago and boy oh boy, am I glad I'm here.

p/s: BTW in Pastensu sometimes you get a bit too happy you tend to forget about going to the dentist. So I got a bit of a toothache here, but otherwise, I am doing OK. In fact, OK enough to go for a month long leave.

The Society of Cool Chicks

We, members of The Society of Cool Chicks, have recently secured a farming domain, where we aim to fart eggs out as we please (which goes like this: pruutttt!).

We, members of The Society of Cool Chicks, would like to have fun and be as creative as we can with our unsold eggs in the farming domain, cause after all, the farming domain a place where we can be ourselves (i.e simply farting chickens).

We, members of The Society of Cool Chicks, would like to share our nice lil' eggs with people who will appreciate our eggs and farting efforts (i.e farting the way we like to fart).

We, members of The Society of Cool Chicks, do not welcome Farmers into our farming domain - because the domain is ours, and it is only for Cool Chicks, not Farmers (different breed, get it?).

(Especially Farmers who thinks as residents of the Coop, them Chickens must invite Farmers - who have their own agenda for the Coop and never share their plan with us Chickens - because... erm, what was it again? Oh ya, simply because! Damn! The Farmers didn't even give This Chicken a good reason why they should be invited.)

This Chicken, on behalf of The Society of Cool Chicks, has spoken.

Dancing cheek to cheek..

^ Me and Turtie Abraham sharing a wet kiss!

Or perhaps I should've call my sea-friend Lucky (pronounced Look-kie, ask any Indonesian, they'll tell you if anyone's named Lucky, it's not La-kie, it's Look-kie) Arioso Saptoyono...

Health is wealth

As cliche as this may sound, I recently got the chance to learn the real value of health. I got sick, sick as I never was before, damn viral fever plus allergic reaction to some sort of antibiotics - we're talking popping 5 types of pills after every meal three times a day kinda sick. Plus that lousy jab in the butt for the allergy - gives pain in the butt a whole new meaning.

On top of that food just doesn't taste good. Everything tastes bitter, and chewing is a labour. Drinking just makes you have to go pee three times per every glass. If you are a food lover like I am, I'm sure you can relate - envision the loveliest plate of sashimi and teriyaki fried unagi accompanied by green tea-flavoured sorbet, a tall glass or rootbeer float and a delectable selection of tropical fruits - and you can eat none of those. If that is not tragedy, then what is?

I know what's a worse tragedy: All of the above for a whole week.

Before this the sick-est I've ever gotten involved one lousy Panadol and everything gets back to normal after a few hours. Never hospitalised like the rest of my siblings, and I have been thankful for that. So imagine the horror of having to down drugs of all colour, shape and sizes.

Today I had the loveliest plate of nasi lemak and toast with kopi kow at the regular breakfast joint, and I was thinking, to hell with losing weight. I'll just enjoy rediscovering food while I'm healthy. Guess I haven't been grateful enough for having 29 years of good health - but now I know that that is no easy feat without God's will.

Work is rarely holiday

Some people get to go to really nice places due to work, but if anyone asks them "So was city X nice?" or "While you were in X, did you go to V and W?" and it's kinda sucks to reply "Didn't!".

Take This Chicken for example. This Chicken went to B to check out some cool egg materials which she did get a lumpful but upon fartin' them out the eggs were placed in one basket then dropped, leaving only a couple of farted eggs still in one piece. Imagine singing Purnama Merindu in front of a live audience but the mic went blargh and only the first couple of verse and the end tail were heard.

In any case while This Chicken was in B, the only time for getaway is weeeeeee early in the morning cause B gets sunrise early. Then it was all about eggsy work stuff. But above's a shot This Chicken feels pretty good about.

The Chicken the demam lah

No wonder I feel feverish! I have not blogged since end of April!

This Chicken has now moved to another computing system, which is faster, and it is on XP. Haha big deal, but it is a wonderful improvement over Windows 2000 ok.

Went to this event and found out that I'm a so-called Digital Immigrant. Digital Immigrant. Just cause I'm turning 30 this year. Say, when I was told that Digital Immigrants are people of the age 30 and above, I was 29. Still am, in fact.

So does that make me a Digital Immigrant, or a Digital Native? (Digital Natives are people who were born in the tech era, no-manual, every gadget gotta serve me and keep me occupied within 5 mins or I'm bored and your technology is not good.)

This Chicken actually could not care less. OK I do care, but it's only cause I hate being labeled Digital Immigrant/Digital Native. This Chicken hates being labeled period.

In any case This Chicken is thinking about concentrating on what matters - getting some old stuff out of the old PC and nicely organised into new PC. Ambitious!

That film that everyone still talk about

^ Moi phoot in Langkawi again. For years I don't get to visit the island, and suddenly this year - twice.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

Or something like that, and I finally got the chance to watch it. Perhaps I missed the first 15 to 20 minutes (busy gossipping with a coupla Chickens, about ex-Chickens and Dogs and Mosquitoes), but I certainly enjoyed the rest of it, even with Jim Carrey being in the centre of it.

20 minutes to 3AM. Egg not yet farted out. Info overload lah. And tired. Ate too much. Drank too little coffee.

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. Can someone please fart me some eggs?

Chicken on BBB

This Chicken is wasting fart to produce too many eggs. Not that many eggs is a bad thing, but many unsold eggs surely is a bad thing.

Firstly, many unsold eggs means cost on warehousing. Ya lor, where to put so many eggs one? Can break you know. Some more, can go missing.

Secondly, many unsold eggs means a lot of people calling asking, "Dude, where's your egg with our name on it?" How to answer you tell me?

Thirdly, many unsold eggs simply means a lot of farting and no money. Malay people usually sum such situation as, "Mengabihkan boreh!" (Wasting rice only!) So tired from farting eggs, all for nothing, get my drift?

Too bad that Farmer only sells eggs farted out by beloved chickens only. Ones of blue blood, good breed, capable of cackling l*** jokes..

So who am I to question the way things are in the coop? This Chicken might as well go on the BBB mode.

BBB la bang, not BBQ. Though BBQ chicken doesn't sound half bad!

Noooo, BBB does not stand for brilliant breed bird... sorry, the BBB mode is one term that has nothing to do with aspiration nor motivation. It has more to do with the opposite of those.

This Chicken will give you three guesses.

What? Beautiful bountiful bird?
No. Just so you know, no bird was used in making up the term.

Blatantly bitchy biter?
No lah. I wish. But I know where you're coming from, it's cause I said opposite, and no bird used right? Last guess?

Boleh blahlah bengong!
Uiyo! Now that's a cool guess. This Chicken wishes for such grand courage to say that out loud to the deserved crowd. But we're not called Chicken for nothing you know.

People say it is better to get wild, get angry, get whiny, get mad when things don't happen your way. Like This Chicken farting as best as possible and yet none of the eggs produced were appreciated, should I be doing one of the above?

But This Chicken has decided to just buat-buat bodoh, (voila! BBB!) now isn't that just sad?

Chicken's stock, Chicken stock

This Chic Chicken always claim she vill rot in the coop.

Why shouldn't I? After all non-Chickens are being sent to lay eggs by Farmer Wannabe, like the coop can't survive without them, like they don't have anything better to do.

But maybe it is because This Chicken has been so malas to do her job lately. Hey laying eggs is more than just a farting business you know, takes effort, takes concentration.. Must be in zen to do it!

It's not that I've been so malas. I do do lay eggs. Sometimes up to three a day! If that's not productivity I don't know what is! It's just that I maaaalas nak send the eggs into the basket.

The Farmer should come and pick it up! Isn't that part of the job scope for farmers who could not get his chickens to behave? So meantime the eggs might as well be in moi safekeeping, things do go missing around here after all. It's plain warehousing. It's Chicken's stock!

And in the meantime This Chicken will stock up on eggs so that each time Farmer makes his round, I'll throw one down just to "pop shuvit", "grand slam-it".

Maybe I won't rot. I'll just be well-cooked, boiled over and over again, turn mushy then grainy then gravy and in the end, becomes chicken stock. You know cooks tend to freeze chicken stock in ice cube trays and use a couple of cubes everytime they cook, useful eh?

OK this is just me trying to look busy in the coop. I'm on a mental day off. Yosh!

Sleepy Chicken..

Chicken is sleepy. Chicken got so many things to do in the coop. Chicken got too many eggs to lay. Chicken tired. Chicken planning mutiny. Oh, Chicken is too tired even for something as sneaky as mutiny.

Another chicken will soon fly away from the coop. That chicken can't take it anymore. That chicken can take some more money though. So soon, one more chicken will be gone. (By that time another Chicken-themed entry will be posted by This Chicken, titled Chicken down or Chicken downsized or Less Chicken. Maybe Chicken A.W.O.L.L (absent without love loss) sounds good too.

In any case, this sleepy, tired, overworked Chicken is going to Langkawi again and Bali soon after. Yep, This Chicken is willing to take up all the nasty egg-laying business as long as she gets away from the coop and get to missout on all the horrendous pep-up-lay-us-more-eggs meetings.

At this point of time, laying eggs away from the coop is the best way out. God help This Chicken so she will hear no more of "There's not much of a workload now that we're shipping egg carts once a week ye Cik Chicken ye.." and "Can ya? Can ya? Can ya?" comments from the Farmer.

Oh sure This Chicken have seven eggs not laid with deadlines passed last Monday. Who cares? Certainly not This Chicken who only wants to leave herself a bigger room for improvement!

Hallo again Armand Maulana, yes aku masih bujang

^ There he was, the Encik Armand giving me his best!

Gigi was back in town last March 15, 2008 to entertain the Sunburst crowd and I got four free tickets from a lovely angel called Lyn. I would've bought the tickets on my own but I was assigned to go to Langkawi and did not know if I would be back in time for the massive gig. Lucky me, I got my butt back in town in the nick of time.

There I was, together in the hot sun with Band Superfriends, Tun Sri Ling and the rest of the good times mates. And there he was, Encik Armand Maulana yang uber super cool, and he looked right at me (OK it might've been my sis he looked at but we're sharing credits since only he and God knows who he was lookin' at really) during the o-oo-o-oo-wo chorus and he asked, "Masih bujang ya?"

And sorry lah Incubus, John Legend and Incognito - buka baju or not you guys were really cool yet we found ourselves rockin' harder to Search and Gigi and Hujan and whaddahel, Pop Shuvit and Disco Mafia.. But do come back Mr Legend, and take me on the stage next time around.

Chicken freaken'? Freaken' Chicken?

"This Chicken is under a lot of stress, ya."

So said my favourite GP, Doctor K. Ok, he didn't use the word "This Chicken" exactly. He used my name. Why am I explaining this?

In any case, he told me to take some time off. With the ongoing situation in the Coop, who wouldn't want to?

So This Chicken tried to lay off laying eggs, and it was grudgingly accepted. Later This Chicken heard that Farmer isn't too happy about it. Gosh, if you don't like it, then say so.

Small matter right? But it got This Chicken damn annoyed. In fact, many little things annoy me nowadays.

Just last week This Chicken was annoyed over an expensive cup of mocha that need not be bought. Then This Chicken got further annoyed over a comment on how nice it must be to have that cup of mocha in the morning. Immediately after This Chicken was annoyed at herself for getting riled up over that nice mocha comment. To top it all, the mocha gave me gas.

Stupid, tepid mocha.

Just this morning This Chicken got annoyed by a phonecall. Some woman with a fake accent was on the other line, barking up over having passed too many times. So still my fault la? Do I sound like a f**king receptionist? Refused to listen to my suggestion. Refused to let me give a direct line to the right person. Ikut suka kau lah Labu!

Whacked, wanker woman.

OK, maybe I do sound like a f**king receptionist. Man, This Chicken really need a break.

My foot in...

Haha that's my foot on foreign soil, all gaily and happy - but that was before I knew what I was getting into. The Outback wasn't kind to me, a reluctant traveler who never liked cool weather nor cold wind, a had-to-come visitor with no money in her pocket, a just-a-girl who hates putting too much moisturiser.

But it was a very very scenic city, buzzing with action, so many things to see, so little time and most unfortunately, so little moolah!

This Chicken enjoyed it nevertheless, even managed to send a lil egg of a story to the Farmer in between. Just wished I had to go see my mate there, Fari and Helen, my apologies..

Time for voters to claim their candidate's promises

Among others...

"No oil price hike..." (and some even said "price will be lowered..")

"Minimum pay at RM1,500.."

"RM6,000 bonus for households earning less than RM6,000 a year.."

"Lower crime rate.." (A winning rookie's manifesto)

And someone even said "PTPTN loans will be abolished.."

Hee hee hee... As Ibrahim Pendek once said, "Mari kita tengok siapa yang kena!"

Chicken Little tired

This Chicken is very tired - was away for an assignment, sent to a coop with no (expensive) Internet connection and stupid cold weather, weather so cold no other tropical-lover chicken should endure.

Came back with empty pockets, flaky skin, hungry for petai stomach and one story sent to the Farmer. The only cool thing brought back was images of topless muchachas and g-string clad hunks on Bondi Beach.

Came back to a homeland where the "Parlimen sudah dibubarkan", a new RM50 bill launched and circulating and gasp! another Chicken flying away from the coop! Guess which event was more dramatic for This Chicken?

A loss of a chicken in the coop means no more deskmate to gossip with, more eggs to lay and alone facing the stupid, so-called bigger room for improvement! !#$%^&*!

This Chicken knows it's the bigger room for improvement that will eventually make her snap. But it is only for the best when Chickens fly off this coop.

Will it be This Chicken's turn to spread her wings and fly? Between Mariah Carey's Butterfly and R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly This Chicken is not thinking much about flying just yet, cause This Chicken is a little tired, a little sick, and a little sick and tired of it all.

This Chicken is going to lunch early.

A quarter of a dozen chickies out of the hen coop

Yep. Tis happenning, ladies and gentlemen. Names given in secret. Heads rolled. Tears, what tears? Chickens don't cry!

Three chickies got to say goodbye to the old coop. The Farmer had nominated them out but the chickies only found out when they met up with Big Big Farmer and checked:

"Sir, is my head on the chopping board?" and Big Big Farmer took a peek at the list earlier given to him and said, "Yes my dear chickychacha, you're going to the slaughter house."

"Which slaughter house will I end up in?" asked the Chickies again, undaunted by the weird term of endearment nor the vague future; as darkness is after all already engulfing the current coop they're in.

"Oh, don't think as if you're being victimised here. Take this as a new challenge. Erm.. (covers mouth as his nervousness strikes) you're going to slaughter house X."

The Big Big Farmer will soon realise that as he tells the booted out Chickychachas where their new frontier lies, he is actually being reduced to doing the Farmer's dirty work.

Yes, the Farmer is a scaredy cat who can't do the dirty work he's been assigned to do. Funny eh, we're the Chickens here with our yellow bulus but Farmer's the one chickening out and being yellow at heart.. Wakakaka!

The rest of the Chickies in the coop is not too happy about having induced to stay just cause they know how to lay eggs and write blogs at the same time. This Chicken, at least, want out cause the slaughter house means death in this coop and rebirth in a new coop.

Oh no, nirvana for This Chicken yet. (And no receptionist job in hand either, so have to stay put till then.)

Yet This Chicken wonders if pushing it for a go at the slaughter house would be a better idea than keeping quiet and staying?

As staying means having to work in a room that is always left for bigger improvements to happen.

Staying means having to lay eggs on a path that is left for the Farmer and Big Big Farmer to destroy at whim (apparently the next whim will happen after the next election).

And staying means eating fart on the ground even when you fart 'em out a dozen of Grade A, kolesterol rendah eggs every week.

Sigh.

This Chicken - you may call me Duck, names doesn't matter anymore - is going shopping at 3.30PM.

Chicken to "recce" the "snafu"

Two words came to my attention recently:

The first word is "recce".

According to Dictionary.com the word "recce", which is a noun which us Malays like to pronounce as "reiki", is a slang of the word "reconnaissance". A couple of online dictionary describes "reconnaissance" as " search made for useful military information in the field, esp. by examining the ground. "

(Sheesh, say la "recce" means "looksie-looksie"!)

The second word is "snafu".

"Snafu" is easier to understand, and I like Dictionary.com's input: "badly confused or ridiculously muddled situation".

(Though I always tell whoever asks me, "What is snafu?", I always tell em, "Snafu is a guest character in Thundercats, he' s Snarf's cousin. Yeah yeah, Snafu appears in a couple of episodes, just like Mumra's pet, Mamat.")

Now back to snafu, ain't that the everyday picture of our lives? My life at least, if we're talking about career anyways, is in a snafu.

Wait, did I hear someone asking, "What's a chicken like you doing in snafu?"

Well, I'm no longer the chicken trapped in a farm in a snafu. I'm more like a chicken on a "recce" mission in the farm, which is in a snafu. The recce will also be conducted outside the snafu.

It has come to that, ladies and gentlemen. This chicken is past the phase of denial. The snafuness of the farm area has made this chicken drowsy in a snafu of emotions.

And yesterday when an ex-farmer called to check if the chicken wants to jump coop, this chicken kinda feel like it is not the time yet, there's still a few more fun stuff to be discovered through this recce business.

This chicken, let me tell you ladies and gentleman, is warming up to the recce mission. Though it is quite understandable if the snafuness of the farm begets more snafu, this chicken is up for IT!

Blow a kiss this way and wish this chicken a bit of luck!

p/s: SOALAN ESEI SPM: Kepada seorang anak Melayu, adalah lebih mudah untuk menghasilkan penulisan yang baik di dalam bahasa ibunda berbanding dengan bahasa asing. Bincangkan.

Chickies in the slaughter home

If you guys have you guys seen Babe, (in Malaysia the film's aka Seekor Khinzir Gagah Yang Bernama Babe) betcha all remember that scene in which the Farmer's wife decides between Lemon Duck or Roast Pig for Christmas. Some other thing ended up as Xmas dinner, Funny Duck came out from hiding and Babe sang Jingle Bells.

(Jingle Bells, as sang by Babe goes something like this; "Llal llal laa, Llal llal laa, Llalh llal llalh lal-lhaa!" And the farmer's wife tickles his his round stomach, kucheekucheekoo.)

There's also that scene in that stop-motion flick, Chicken Farm or something, in which the chickens who no longer produces eggs gets to visit a dark, menacing looking house and never to be seen again.

Us chickens are on the chopping board today. Anyone might get to be deployed to another farm, which may not suit us, nor suit our skills. Not all chicken farms need chickens that lay eggs. Some just want your meat and bulu (um yes King of the Court Lee Chong Wei will find some use for it), and eventually they'll send your dead body into cold storage.

Yippidee yay.

(Currently whistling Whistle While You Work)

Thanking two front office personnels of Mandarin Oriental KL

I'd like to thank two wonderful personnel of Mandarin Oriental Kuala Lumpur who were on duty at the front desk yesterday at 2.20PM for giving me a couple of pens to write.

See a patron of the hotel borrowed my good pen and in the midst of a phone call, he absent-mindedly left the lobby without returning it to me. I was busy making a call myself, so I didn't notice he left town.

About to be in an interview in 5 minutes, I quickly asked the staff at the front desk if they have a pen or pencil they could spare. The two personnels handed me the one they were using and saved me from great embarassment.

They also took the time to explain to me that the pens were made with recycled paper. Cool eh?

"The technology bubble has burst"

So says someone who claims he knows all about blogging and what nots of the IT world.

Tis the Big Big Farmer of course, who earlier claimed he could lay eggs just as good as us Chickens do. He hasn't done any of the sort so far.

I feel like singing the song that scared Frampton Nuttel so much, the one that goes something like "Bertie, Bertie, when are you coming home?" and I don't even know why it is that song that came to mind. Maybe cause I'm thinking all text-like and sounds has a habit of falling on deaf ears right now.

Aiyo what's the use of getting all worked out over Big Big Farmers doings. It's not as if us Chickens gonna lay more eggs if we sing more songs.

Plus it's not like us Chickens been that productive all these while cause Big Farmer just wanted numbers, even quality doesn't matter cause Big Farmer likes to leave a big room for improvement. Today three eggs, tomorrow four, but who cares cause Big Farmer thinks 100 eggs per minute (epm) is the standard that us Chickens should produce.

So us Chickens better just keep on laying eggs at 3 epm - just change the look a bit to technocolour (magazine, glossy, big graphics)- and wait till the Big Big Farmer chokes on an artichoke and die and a new Big Big Farmer comes along and say we shouldn't have change our names to "Duck" and polkadot is the way to go.

Stupidity sets the tone for 2008

Things are back in the sewers as far as the farm goes.

Chickens will be slaughtered, eggs-eater will choke with foul stuff coming out of the eggs, and Chickens will even be renamed to something stupid like "Duck".

Big Big Farmers are suggesting that us Chickens should produce eggs that everyone can eat, not just those who loves eating eggs since they were born. Imagine a fishmonger asking the fisherman to bring back only ikan bilis from the sea as the ikan terubuk would be too bone-y to swallow.

Big Big Farmers are saying that us Chickens should not blame the grocers for not selling eggs when eggs don't fly off the shelves, because if the eggs got good things inside, then buyers would be coming to the farm to buy them. Imagine Nokia telling its engineers and designers not to blame Low Yat and Sungai Wang vendors when E65 does not sell well, cause had the engineers and designers named the phone "Funky Little Princess" instead of E65, the phone would've sold itself.

Big Big Farmers are suggesting us Chickens do not know what eggs we're laying, and they're trying to outsource eggs supply from their friends, The Big Bad Wolf. Imagine an editor accusing Judith McNaught of not reading the stories she wrote, while the real intention is to have the editor's friend make money as a ghost writer.

Big Big Farmers are challenging us Chickens, saying "Don't think we don't know how to lay eggs, cause we know all about it even the low-cholesterol LTK stuff!". Truthfully, us Chickens don't care if Big Big Farmers do know how to lay their own eggs, frankly we'd love to see them try.

Awal Muharram detik permulaan..

Yeah, I'm officially set to start the new year with a resolution that I had to bring forward from last year.

This year, I'm going to note down each sen of my expenses so that I'll know exactly where my money is wasted. That said, I'm not exactly owning up to a reputation of a spendthrift - that's just it, my money runs out every month but I can't seem to remember what I had spent on.

So dengan lagu Maal Hijrah yang berkumandang di telinge, I here by declare tomorrow will be starting day of me writing into a triple 5 notebook of all my spending.

I'm gona be analysing everything come month end, and I'll try to do better the next month. By year end, I hope to save enough money to buy one of Tata Motors' People Car. Not that I want to start driving again though. It's just a good car to have around, just in case I need to drive.

.. Or maybe I'll wait till they come up with a car you can carry in your bagpack - inflatable bubble car?

Just once as flavour of the month

If you are a singer, you look for that loud applause that comes right after your last note. If you are a cook, you look for that clean-licked plate after that meal you've prepared. If you are a writer... you look for that varying reactions on people's face and the multiple conversations that follow.

Recently a colleague of mine churned out an interview piece with a minister, and it got many tongues wagging. Fellow journalists, editors, politically-inclined individuals, bloggers, people on the street, even my mates and my family were all talking about it.

I'm not one who's qualified to judge if the article is good, bad or excellent, but I must say I was truly impressed by the excitement it generated. The tempias feeling is already even more exciting that receiving an award - I wondered what it would be like to have come out with such an article; and to have even people who you knew but never knew you discuss it with their peers.

If previously I'm a bit unaware on just how big a room for improvement I'm supposed to be working with, now I guess I have a tiny inkling about what kind of "space" I'm up against.

Salam Aidiladha

To all my friends,

Take care this festive season, please be careful on the road, and enjoy your holiday!

"Owo..."

At certain point of your life, you'll start to notice things, and the realisation makes you go, "Owo..." (to be pronounced as "Oow woo.." in which the "O" is but a harkat shorter than the "wo")

For example, that time when you finally figured out that "In spite of" and "Despite" means almost the same, it's just the way you use it in a sentence is different, and you go...

Another example, finally you figured out what the word "suffrage" means, which is "the right to vote" (though the word did seems to sound a lot like "suffer" and "rage" put together, go figure!), hence you go...

An even further example, when you finally catch on what "elasticity" (keanjalan people, keanjalan) in economic terms is all about, again you go...

So pushing it to the brink, when you finally understand that RM1 as for government hospital bill for everyone means everyone pays RM1 to "enjoy" hospital treatment, why won't you just go...

p/s: This post is about me trying to look at the bright side of life as I sift out the garbage in my environment and dunk'em into vacuum plastic bags. Pastensu is supposed to be cleaner than this. Now c'mon gimme an "Owo..." will ya?

Good luck, good health, God bless you

This morning my carpool mate and I started our journey to office quite early. As she was turning into the road that leads to my office, a Wira from the opposite lane swerved swiftly, trying to overtake an Iswara which was going too slow for her.

Yes, the Wira driver is a female, a female with one hand on the handphone trying to SMS and the other barely touching the steering wheel. My carpool mate was quick enough to step on the brakes causing both of us to choke on the safety belt, and the Wira managed to avoid us by inches.

We quickly elapsed into a mantra of curses, hoping that the Spell of Seven Years of Bad Luck we had chanted for her will quickly be carried by the wind and gets sucked in to the air-cond duct of the Wira, which was fast escaping behind us.

Before we could start the next level of bad mantra (we were thinking of sending her the Spell of One Thousand Bad Hair Day and Spell of Chasing DBKL Compound), we saw the Iswara on the opposite lane had actually stopped and started to honk at us, not loudly nor madly, but rather musically, you know, that friendly little half-pressed honk-honk-honk just to get our attention.

My carpool mate rolled down her window. "Apehal lak ni?" I muttered under my breath.

"Are you two OK?" asked the guy in the Iswara. My carpool mate went "Aa?"

"Yes, yes, thank you. You OK?" I asked, slightly surprised that he was concerned enough to stop and ask, right in the middle of the not quite busy road.

"Ya ya, I'm OK. Have a good day!" he smiled as he spoke, at the same time rolling up his window and his car started to move.

My carpool mate quickly got her car back on the go, and we were silent for a while.

"That's really nice of him!" I finally said as we were approaching my office building.

"Very! I wish him good luck, good health.."

".. God bless him!" I sang the finishing line.

It strikes me how quickly we react to bad things that happened to us, and how a gesture of kindness got us speechless - had we become so unaccustomed to good things that when something nice happened, we just didn't know how to react anymore?

First BERSIH, now HINDRAF

Can't really answer if anyone asks me what I think of these two events. Can't see if anything good came out of it. Can't believe people still try this kind of method (which everyone knows will end up like a twisted circus) to get their message across.

Seems like a waste of time because if they seek to get noticed, they got noticed as jammakers - them and their cause defined all wrong. In the latter event they seek to deliver a letter of demand but in the end they faxed it - it really got people wondering whadduh?

An old-timer sitting next to us during lunch simply said, "If you don't like it, don't agree with it, do something smart about it, don't make things worse. If you're just gonna sit there whining and complaining when you yourself had not done any good for anyone, you might as well crawl back into your hole. A lot of people are better off without your bad ideas and bad attitude."

I can agree with that.

Nobody's perfect?

Recently I was told during an evalution process, no perfect score will be given.

Not cause nobody's perfect. Rather, the top score is not given in order to leave a bigger room for improvement.

Wow. That kinda went down twisted and wrong into my brain. I'm afraid after hearing such thing, my sub-conscious is now lowering my own standards in doing things, just so I could have that bigger room left for improvement.

You see..

.. if I had been washing three loads of my own and my household's kain busuk every week, my sub-conscious is now telling me to wash only two loads. So that the room for improvement will be bigger.

I mean, by lowering my wash load to twice a week, anytime I manage to make three, I'm already on the road to bigger things! Despite that three was actually my normal standard.

.. if I had been washing my own load and other people's kain busuk all this while, my sub-conscious is now telling me to not to bother about other people's load.

So if anytime I manage to clean theirs as well, I'm already improving in terms of my own standard of generousity. Despite that washing everyone's kain busuk was actually what I was sincerely doing before this.

.. if I had been washing and putting some softener in my washload (which used to include other people's kain busuk as well, well maybe once in a while it will again whenever I'm in the mood for increased level of generousity), my sub-conscious is now telling me not to put softener in anymore.

So - not only my room for improvement becomes even bigger, and my level of generousity higher, but even my personal body odour will also becomes less stinkier whenever I rise to the occasion to put softener in. That, I believe, would be one hell of a perfect score!

See what I mean?

It's Nat King Cole's all over again

Me love to sing. Me love to sing Nat King Cole's song. Me love to sing Nat King Cole's song, Pretend.

So let's sing along!

Pretend you're happy when you're blue
It isn't very hard to do
The world is mine it can be yours, my love
So why don't you pretend?

Or we can try Rambling Rose. Three, four!

Rambling rooooooose...
Rambling rooooooose...
Why I want you?
Heaven knows!

Or another Nat song, Unforgettable.

That's why darling
It's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am
Unforgettable too
Unforgettable...

OK me better stop now before ol' Nat himself knock me on my head and tell me to finish that film review. Oh btw guys, 30 Days of Night is quite a cool scary movie if you like gory story.

Pretend you're happy when you're blue....

Abang Mus back from space

Dr Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor Sheikh Mustapha is back from space, and one minister said Malaysians can stand a few inches taller now that we have had a Malaysian travel in space.

Suddenly it all makes sense now. We wasted millions of ringgit to send people to sail around the globe, climb the highest peak and track across north and south pole so we can gain a few inches here and there.

I was wondering what was the main objective of such efforts. The one which was most mind-boggling was the project where 0.1 percent of Malaysia's population of mat rempits were sent to jump onto ice.

I'm not sure I feel taller now that we have had Malaysians been everywhere, but my 164cm is OK with me.

I'm not sure I want to be taller in fact. Be happier, now that's better.

I think the next Malaysia Boleh project should be Zero Poverty, or Zero Illiteracy, or Zero Crime campaign on a humongous, overnight-can-change scale.

If we become a country where everyone can get three meals a day with ease, read the morning press and walk around town without worrying about rapists, snatch thieves and swindlers; I'll be happier.

Not taller, but that's OK.

p/s: I would feel taller if Malaysians are known across the world as well-mannered, peace-loving people who lives in a clean (not necessarily modern) country and do not have too many crazy (berani mati) drivers.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

Maaf Zahir Batin

Semuga Bergumbira dalam Kesederhanaan

Gym Bag Girl

Who could muster enough courage to bring his or herself to pick up this morning's New Straits Times?

The picture of the young girl who was brutally abused and murdered is plastered on the front page, and knowing that the perpetrator had done crazy things to her and ended it by stuffing her in a gym bag left in front of a store, that's just too much.

So far, no one's claiming her as kin just yet. The press event ventured a question, "Was she homeless?"

Dubbed by the press as "Girl in the Gym Bag", police suspects the case may be serial and linked to the "Kampung Baru Molester". However I wondered why criminologist Dr Kamal Affendi Hashim refers to the culprit as a "he".

I hope police is not ruling out women in their search list. Remember that case in which a mother had beaten her own child to death and tried to put the blame on her step-son?

The identity of the girl is still unknown, but I think we all know she in a better place now.

Puasa masa kecik-kecik dulu

Masa kita kecik-kecik dulu, bulan puasa memang best sebab:

1] Dalam otak memang 110% confident - hantu syaitan sume takde. Tapi masa Darjah 6 aritu terbaca lak dalam Mastika ade orang jumpa something scary time bulan puasa - hampeh..

2] Kat sekolah memang la cakap puasa full, tapi balik tengahari tu bukak pintu rumah je Kak Zah dah hulur air, siap masak nasi dengan telur goreng. Tinggal taruh kicap pastu bleh makan depan TV.

3] Petang-petang skit pergi beli kueh instead of main galah panjang (kalau main gak kantoi la tak puasa). Time beli kueh tu bleh jumpa budak-budak sekampung yang cun-cun and jarang dapat terserempak tu. Kueh pun tak mahal time tu - model RM2 je, kenyang satu rumah.

4] Pergi terawih buat 8 rakaat je, tapi balik saing dengan orang-orang tua yang buat 20 rakaat - time in between tu lepak dengan kawan-kawan pastu buat panggilan telefon palsu kat kawan-kawan lain, menyamar jadi peminat diorg yang nak ajak diorg kuar tengok wayang raya sok.

5] Dekat nak raya parents bagi keluar malam main lawan bunga api. Kalau join dengan geng galah panjang kat Lorong Pandan, mana bleh menang bebudak rumah lain yang mengharapkan adik beradik diorg je nak tulung.

6] Dah lagi dekat nak raya parents kasik allowance, weekend "pegi pekan" dengan member beli baju raya..

7] Dah lebih lagi dekat nak raya parents tak kisah if nak ronda naik beskal sampai kampung sebelah nak usha panjut fest serata area tu.

8] Even lagi dekat nak raya dah start dapat duit raya dah daripada pokcik2, mokcik2 yang singgah rumah.

9] Tinggal lagi dua-tiga hari nak raya stesen TV dah start air cerita macam-macam. Dulu cerita Melayu best, XX-Ray la, Bintang Malam la, Fenomena la.. start XX-Ray part 2 dah hancus dah.. Paling hancus time satu raya bila tah tu, ade ke TV bagi Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Sabar je la..

I see dead people

Date: 5 September 2007
Time: 6.30PM
Venue: My condo block
Topic: My thoughts and conversations in bubbles

First bubble reads:
Yeah! I'm nearly home. Should check my mails before I go up, wonder if there will be a new Carrefour spamming the box.

Second bubble reads:
Nevermind, don't kecoh. Just check the mail and go up - even if there's a cute one among the men in blue.

Third bubble reads:
Hmm, so many people crowding! Takpe, takpe, just go check mail now.. Oh shit.

Fourth bubble reads:
OMG! Is that a body under that white piece of cloth? OMG, it is. Eh, very small and skinny la the body? Oh shit, I can see the guy's yellow shirt.

Fifth bubble reads:
Aik? What's L doing here?

Conversation bubble right next to the scene:
Me: L, why are you here? What happened?

L: That's my colleague's kid! He fell down from fourth floor.

Me: A kid! How old? How did it happened?

L: 9 years old, only son in the family. Told his grandma he's going down to get mails. His grandma did say wait for her, but he said no need to accompany him. Not sure exactly how it happened, but he must have been playing at the lift's window and toppled over.

Sixth bubble reads:
Alamak! The police is removing the white cloth! Shit! It's just a skinny Chinese kid! He doesn't look badly hurt at all - except for the little patch of blood under his head. Poor kid!

More conversation bubble in lift:
L: He broke his neck, but was still breathing. They immediately called ambulance, but didn't managed to save the boy.

Me: Owno.. Condolences to your colleague. Is the police report done?

L: Yes, they're taking the body to the hospital for post-mortem. Er this is the boy's father.

Me: Uh.. Ah. Er, sorry for your loss.

Boy's father: (Silent, nod once, more silence, nod again. Me and L exchanged helpless looks.)

Fifth bubble reads:
I'm such an idiot! Eh, apa pulak, what else could one say to one who just lost a loved one? Sheesh. Ugh, don't feel so good. Thank goodness I'm home.

More conversation bubble at home:
Me: Tets, did you know about the boy?

Tets: Yeah I know, I came home about 5.30 or so and saw an old woman crying next to the boy, he was already covered with white cloth. She spoke in Cantonese, I'm a bit rusty but I think she said, "Come back to popo..."

Holy union my a.. !

I hate it.
I really do hate it.
With passion.
With conviction.

See, I've been getting wedding invitations from my Malay friends, and several of them were in English instead of the national language.

What usually read as,

"Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
Walimatulurus
Haji A bin Haji B & Hjh C binti Haji D
dengan segala hormatnya menjemput
________________________
ke majlis perkahwinan anakanda kami
AE bin Hj A dengan MN binti Hj O
pada x X 2006 bersamaan dengan y Y 1427H
di No Z, Jalan 123, KL
Semoga dengan kehadiran dan doa restu semua majlis ini akan diberkati Allah.
Terima Kasih
Wassalam"

has turned into:

"May light of happiness shine our joyous event
We,
Suki & Dean
cordially request the honour of your presence
_______________________
to witness the holy union of our love
at 666, Jalan 4444, Sijangkang
x X, 2007 at 6.45PM
With warm regards from Hj V and Hjh Q and family.
Love is two hearts merging as one, and as angels ring our wedding chimes I declare my undying passion to you."

Adui mak... what's up with that la? Sure, perhaps such invits are only sent to friends, and possibly Suki (aka Sakiyah) and Dean (Abudin) are one of those people who work with MNCs with lots of Mat Salleh and Minah Foreigners to invite.

Last April I was delighted to receive a wedding card from a friend in Finland, which was written in Finnish and translated to Swedish (just for me she took time to translate it to English with her own handwriting), but I was honoured nonetheless, I figured that's one way I'll learn her culture.

So where's our culture here? Why so not Malay one? Isn't wedding a time to keep things traditional?

I remember when wedding cards featured baby pictures of the bride and groom - OK, cute.

I remember when wedding cards featured the biodata of the bride and groom - er, who cares?

But wedding cards in English with love vows in printed in italics that do not even contain a simple salam? - Nasty! And frankly, plain vomit material. No budi, no bahasa there!

If this is just another new trend, takkan nak trendy sangat sampai no traces of their roots can be seen?

But that's not all, one mate related to me at one wedding she attended, the usual nasi minyak and ayam masak merah are nowhere to be seen. Guests were presented a Mediteraanean infusion instead.

Guess to these weddings we can just show up in jeans, baby-Ts and Crocs huh?

Pantun Mak Itam

Pa's passion for the cute Melaka houses led me to Pak Itam's house, a popular youth hangout in the kampung. Pak Itam married three times, first to a pantun primadona who kids call Mak Itam.

According to Pak Itam, Mak Itam was his only wife who stayed. His jodoh from the second and third unions ended in divorces.

When her husband developed interest in other women and committed to two others, Mak Itam, who gave up her glamourous life, experience a total blow. To her ears her new state of bermadu tiga screams she wasn't loved anymore.

Mak Itam promptly succumbed into a phase of unfathomable depression, reveals her daughter. "First she went mute for years. Years! After eons of silence, she suddenly rediscovered her voice and began to sell pantuns at any chance she gets.. That's when we discovered she's no longer her sane self."

Looking back at her two favourite four-liners I can only guess why after all these years she never managed to recover from her husband's actions. She chants:

"Pasang jerat di hujung tanjung
Dapat seekor landak betina
Panjang ku kerat, pendek ku hubung
Baru dapat menjadi sama."

"Layang-layang terbang melayang
Main layang di panggung wayang
Siapa kata abang tak sayang
Bagaikan bunga jatuh melayang."

The first pantun reeks of her struggle to be an equal and only partner to her husband - whatever the shortcoming, she will do her best to iron things out. The second pantun sounds as if she's trying to convince herself that there's still space for her in her husband's life. Sadly, to equate "bunga jatuh melayang" to her husband's love for her rings bells of insecurity and hopelessness in my head.

Today in her 70s, the bob-haired, sarung-clad Mak Itam paints a picture of an old woman who is chirpy and well cared for. The snarky lady also loves driving her daughther crazy with her kid-like antics, ranging from spitting the food she chewed off everyone's plate to mocking her daughter's nagging.

Her daughter kids her back by telling her that her pantuns are all stale. When this happens she only growls in dissatisfaction.

During our visit Mak Itam asked my older sibling if he has settled down. When he replied "No," she smiled approvingly. "Muda lagi, enjoy dulu. Betul tak?"