This Chicken cries "Fowl!"

God, I hate it when you're just farting eggs and people give you shit.

The part of the Coop where This Chicken is doing her regular Egg-Farthing business is being taken over by a bunch of Barbarians, and The Farmer ain't doing shit about it.

Kiss my a**, this is one of the things that annoy This Chicken the most. This Chicken saw some valuable eggs being transported by Barbaric Slaves, and they were not taken care of nicely. Scratches, cracks - now who's going to answer for that?

What's more, The Farmer is being nice, distracting This Chicken from the fact that the Egg-Farting place will no longer be accessible to This Chicken later, and using KFC's Korea Crunch, on top of that. Smooth, Farmer, real smooth.

I hate Monday!

Apologies to all Chickens who rely on the Internet to fart eggs

Tis because This Chicken've been hogging the bandwidth playing old school 90s songs, murdering my eardrums with loud funky noises that most people know as Cake, Alanis Morissette, Weezer, Cranberries, Jamiroquai and No Doubt.

This Chicken blames self for trying to control anger like this. There should be other ways to productively combat the rise of bloodboil inside This Chicken's anatomy.

Seriously, the Farmer and Lil Napo are getting on This Chicken's frail nerves. The nerve of them to assume This Chicken is like them too! C'mon This Chicken is a chicken for heaven's sake. This Chicken only make peanuts farting eggs. Unlike them This Chicken don't make big peanuts!

How This Chicken cherish those moments Farmer becomes the ass of the Barbarians. It got him running around like a.. erm.. headless chicken when one Barbarian simply command, "Find me the honey. I want honey. You get me the honey, bunny!"

And off he goes. Here. There. Everywhere. Ask around he did, and This Chicken puts on a set of headphones and ignore the whole incident as if This Chicken do not fart eggs in this Coop.

How This Chicken cherished the moment Lil Napo suggested that This Chicken fart out a brown bugsabunny egg. How This Chicken enjoyed telling Lil Napo that This Chicken had farted out a brown bugsabunny egg two years ago but it was deemed unsexy. How This Chicken loved it when out loud it was said, "You do it."

Gosh. Stupid, weird, selfish Farmer and Lil Napo.

This Chicken wanna strangle those Siths

The dark side. Yep, the one Darth Vader got into. You know, the Jedi turned Sith. Only some of them dark side fellas were never a Jedi to begin with, nor are they as good as a Sith potrayed in the Phantom Menace.

You see, us Chickens have to face these Siths everyday, and most of them are as fake as the LV bags you can find at Chinatown. They look good, say nice things, but overall, no essence, no quality. No wonder my aunts still go to those expensive boutique stores for their handbags. If I have that much money, I'd prolly do the same.

The thing is with these Siths, they ask a lot from you. Even when you're hardly a Farmer nor his henchman. They just don't get that we're just Chickens. Ones who lay eggs for the Farmer to use or abuse.

The other thing about these Siths, some of them are not only stupid, but they're rude too. The rude part makes me sick the most. Having been a Chicken for ten years now, I get that some of them are just beginning and learning still, but once in a while when This Chicken meets those so called experienced Siths and they still act dumb and bodoh sombong about it, that just don't rub me the right way.

Maybe I'm just being, as one friend put it, a "cantankerous otai Chicken". Too old to put up with nonsense. The ones who keep saying, "I don't remember being that stupid or rude at that age."

Or it's just me having hormone imbalance.

In any case, I feel like slaying some Siths with my lightsaber. Where's my lightsaber again?

Owh man.

Chicken staying put

Lately there's been talk in the Coop about certain Chickens elevating themselves into Chicken2 (read: Chicken to the power of 2 or simply, Chicken-Chicken) level. Heard those who did not deserved to get the rank got them, while those who has been focusing solely on farting eggs along with other deadwood did not. Heard those who did get elevated are mostly loved by Other Farmers, Barbarians and others who possess the special power to elevate.

So what's in it for This Chicken? What does it all mean?

It means shit, really. Not in the shit Oh-shit! kinda way, more like shit nothing and shit who cares, if you know what I mean. And This Chicken is not alone. A few more just like This Chicken, also do not mind at all if we're not called Chicken2. It doesn't matter if we've delivered golden eggs before and Farmers just don't recognise the value of having a Golden Chicken like us....

As long as we're left alone, we're OK.

Farmer, Farmer, where art thou (head/brain/IQ)?

So Farmer just asked This Chicken to start farting eggs on this new app called Sweeter.

Farmer: From now on, not all eggs need to be farted out as usual. Some will be pushed to Sweeter.

This Chicken: Which ones should go on Sweeter? And which ones to go as usual?

Farmer: Er, which ones do you think should go on Sweeter?

This Chicken: Er, Brown Eggs stuff? Cause they tend to be smaller than Big Brown Eggs?

Farmer: OK. Brown Eggs then. So how do you do it? You have a plate thing that can do Sweeter right?

This Chicken: No, all I have is a regular plate.

Farmer: You ask lah some plate maker to give you a plate that can do Sweeter.

This Chicken: Ask who?

Farmer: Whoever, just tell em you need a Sweeter-friendly plate.

This Chicken: Me, ask those big plate makers? Why would they give me any? I'm a nobody.

Farmer: OK, you ask, then I'll follow up.

This Chicken: And who do we Sweeter-talk to? Whose gonna eat those Sweetened eggs?

Farmer: Everyone la. Just push to everyone on the Clouds.

This Chicken: Er, you know Sweeter works when you actually have folks Sweetened to you. If you don't have Sweetened folks, you'd be farting eggs, but no one will eat them.

Farmer: Can't it be a one-road to heaven kinda thing?

This Chicken: Of course you can, but the eggs will be in the clouds and no one will know about it because there's a gazillion stuff on the Clouds. When this happens, how do you tell Bigger Farmers that your farted eggs on Sweeter has been eaten by anyone at all?

Farmer: Really? Hmm. But can be done, right?

This Chicken: If you like. Fart as much as we can on many plates. Sure, but the issue here - to ensure our necks don't get slaughtered, don't you need to prove your eggs are gobbled up? Isn't that the goal - that you fart eggs on many plates, usual and Sweeter so that more people eat our eggs and in turn our necks gets awarded with some diamond studs?

Farmer: Hmm. OK why not you fart out those issues and I'll tell em Bigger Farmers.

This Chicken: (NO, CAUSE THAT'S YOUR THING TO FART, NOT MINE. I JUST FART REGULAR BROWN EGGS ON REGULAR PLATES.) Er, no lah. I think you are better at doing it.

In case you didn't know what's happenning by the end of this post, call me.

Farmer, thy is like tis annoying mosquito

Oh how this Chicken pines for some peace within the Coop.

Last couple of weeks, the Farmer annoyed the heck out of this Chicken so much so this Chicken do not know what to say when come the weekend, the Farmer got the cheek to ask This Chicken for help. As if all the sarcasm that went into Farmer's speech a few days before that weekend didn't happen.

C'mon! R.E.S.P.E.C.T! Is that too much to ask.

And today. Today the morning started so nicely for this Chicken and the Farmer had to ruin it again by doing another booboo.

First at 10AM this Chicken got a wire saying, "Go here. 1PM. Fart eggs."

So this Chicken replied the wire, "Please give more details about 'here'. Where's 'here' exactly?"

No reply to this wire.

This Chicken tried calling for more details. No one answered.

Oh-kay. How do we do this, think Chicken, think. So says Chicken to meself.

This Chicken tried calling other Chickens. A few calls and no one seems to know about this particular egg-thing.

Finally this Chicken went to the general whereabouts of 'here'. Spent 30 minutes combing the bloody building then finally found what seems like a potential egg-thing happening.

Thank goodness it was the right 'here'. And I guess thank you Farmer for giving this Chicken a chance to exercise, window shop, consider reflexology in between and fart an egg out.

Sheeeeeesh...

Kaching..!

As Chickens in the Coop flap our wings excitedly at the notion of big bags of Chicken Feed, This Chicken knows not to expect too much. And true enough, as the big bags of Chicken Feed were distributed, only a lil sum ended up near This Chicken's dwelling space.

The Big Farmers said there's bound to be lots for every Chicken alive, but This Chicken knows it is all, well, pretty much 'talk-cock'. And only those who talks cock get most of the stuff inside the big bags of Chicken Feed.

After years of farting brown eggs, This Chicken knows exactly what she deserves, and she deserves it, really.

Like a few extra bags of Chicken Feed is such a big thing. It isn't. Not when This Chicken knows the kind of brown eggs she's been farting out is not exactly hot stuff. Otherwise This Chicken might be one of those Chickens who are right now angered by what lil sum that they've gotten for the brown eggs they've farted out.

Sigh. When will these Chickens learn? When will they stop trusting the words of the Farmers and Big Farmers and Bigger Farmers? That only the akhem, Loved Chickens like Lil Napo and Blue Eyed Boy will get most of the Chicken Feed? That unless you're willing to do the akhem, kepak fanning, you'll never get to be a Loved Chicken?

That whatever else extra you get down here in this Coop is good enough as it is. That is, if you're just a Chicken like me.

Chicken's back!!!

Dear oh dear, tis 2011 and it's this Chicken's God-knows-how-many-years-tis-been year blogging. Can't believe I'm still blogging - and to think they say blogging is losing steam (well they've been saying that since 2009 anyway, but who cares?).

And this Chicken has a great entry this morning.

Guess what Farmer has asked this Chicken to fart out, all in the spirit of the new year? Yep! That's right. This Chicken has been tasked to take over a little stupid basket started by a stupid Barbarian back in the cave years.

Thing is, this little basket is so useless that all this while This Chicken has never even grant a glance through. The morning went like this:

Farmer: Chicken, can you fart out a couple of eggs to fill up this basket?

Chicken: Er this basket? What is it about ya?

Farmer: Oh you know, about something funny and quirky and not-so-eggy. Hmm I don't know?

Chicken: Actually, all this while that the Barbarian started this basket, I really didn't get it either.

Farmer: The basket says it's a basket of things you can learn something about.

Chicken: And the funny, quirky, not-so-eggy part?

Farmer: Tak tahulah I. (I'm not sure either.)

Chicken: So what do want me to fart out then.

Farmer: Anything lah.

Chicken: If it's anything then I rather suggest we kill this basket. Why waste coop space?

Farmer: OK, OK. (Thinking hard...) Anything not so straight-forward eggy.

Chicken: Just a couple of those?

Farmer: Yes.

Chicken: Will do.

Moral of the story. If you're a farmer and you're running a coop, make sure you know everything about it. Otherwise the chickens will laugh at you.

Happy New Year!

Oooh... productive is This Chicken

This Chicken farted 5 and a half Eggs in total today. That's what happens when a chicken gets into the Coop a bit too early.

But no way in hell This Chicken will surrender the five Eggs happily at on go to the Farmer. Nope, This Chicken will blog about it first.

Tis only appropriate.

Seems like a good Monday. Can't wait til Tuesday. Hmm, must be that De-Lovely love song "Let's Do It" Alanis was singing this morning that goes,


But that's why birds do it,
Bees do it,
Even educated fleas do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

In Spain the best upper sets do it,
Lithuanians and Lets do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it,
Not to mention the Finns,
Folks in Siam do it,
Think of Siamese twins.

Some Argentines without means do it,
People say in Boston even beans do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Romantic sponges they say do it,
Oysters down in Oyster Bay do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Cold Cape Cod clams 'gainst their wish do it,
Even lazy jellyfish do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Electric eels, I might add, do it,
Though it shocks 'em I know,
Why ask if shads do it,
Waiter bring me shad roe.

In shallow shoals English soles do it,
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

The dragonflies in the reeds do it,
Sentimental centipedes do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Mosquitoes, heaven forbid, do it,
So does every katydid do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

The most refined ladybugs do it,
When a gentleman calls,
Moths in your rugs do it,
What's the use of moth balls?

Locusts in trees do it,
Bees do it,
Even overeducated fleas do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Let's do it, let's fall in love,
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Chicken is chuckling to and at herself.

Ooh! Getting mental picture of the Farmer, the Donkey and Lil Napo doing it! Aiyak!

p/s: Thanks 6lyrics.com for text and pix.

Chicken goes chicken-feet

Going chicken-feet (barefoot) or going kaki-ayam is such a fiinnneee thing to do when you're close to nature. It's just so good to be reminded that no matter how big your toe is, it will look totally humongous when placed next to such a dainty lil thing. That's what I believe - nature has always been great at putting things in perspective.

Chicken wrote a long letter

Dear Chickietu my man!

How are you la dude?

(OK I'm not really waiting for that answer coz I'm writing in to b**** as you're the only person who will know exactly what I mean.)

Lemme get on with what happened.

This morning the Farmer and Lil Napoleanina called for scrum and the Donkey still not in.

So This Chicken earnestly just called out, "Yo Farmer dear, shouldnt we wait for Donkey?"

Farmer sarcastically replied, "If we wait for Donkey then we'll have to wait till finishes pulling the That cart (read: Defending the Donkey Part 1. Please also note that pulling the cart, be it This cart or That cart, is Donkey's thing to do, but in any case Donkey rarely does).

So This Chicken went in for the scrum, and The Farmer and Lil Napo tried to saddle This Chicken with loads of egg-farting whatever and This Chicken said, "Sure I can get some eggs out but hey what's the Donkey doing? I see that he's pulling hardly one cart per two months. Why izzit balik2 This Chicken has to be farting the eggs?"

Farmer said, "Oh Donkey's doing cart pulling in the street so Donkey's got a lot to do, yes Donkey does," (read: Defending the Donkey Part 2).

This Chicken was like, "If Donkey's doing that, so was This Chicken last week and Lil Napo the week before. So what? All of us have to do it la. Plus we also do a bunch more things than farting brown eggs alone, there's blue eggs, green eggs and pewter eggs. Now pewter eggs, your angel Lil Napo right here (right in front of Farmer's right-chicken This Chicken said this) said before, 'Pewter eggs is not my thing' and now Farmer've asked chickens from outside to supply. So Farmer still spend moolsh. Why not just get Chickenwan to come back?

Lil Napo goes, "Hey I fart out pewter eggs ok... (Yeah right. Bila pewter egg demand is high and sexy of course Lil Napo wana fart pewter eggs. Unsexy pewter egg dont wana fart pulak.. Those boring pewter eggs even more so!)

Farmer goes, "Oh if This Coop do that then This Coop will have to be compared to other Coop chickens who produces three eggs per day (read: That's total bullshit coz no other Chicken in any other Coop does that!)

This Chicken retorted, but we fart eggs differently, Farmer needs to note that to whoever's getting on The Coop's case la. Like Donkey, on top of all this doing less than other Chickens are (by that This Chicken didn't include the Farmer, perhaps he didn't notice, but truth be said Farmer hardly farts anything out of his a***)

Farmer goes, "Eh I've been pressuring Donkey to do the pulling (read: Defending the Donkey Part 3 and My Holy Farmeric Management Way Part 1). This particular cart he is pulling now will be Second Main Thing for the Coop next week see."

So This Chicken just geleng kepala and shut up for the rest of the scrum.

30 mins after scrum finish, Donkey waltz in at 1230. This Chicken asked The Donkey, "Eh so quickly your cart pulling today finished?"

Donkey goes, "What cart pulling? That cart pulling? It's next week on 31 lah. Which by the way also clashes with the cart pulling 101 the Farmer've set me for."

This Chicken go like, "Well its supposed to be Second Main Thing for the Coop next week."

(Note: Donkey, as bonehead as Donkey goes, once in a while do clue in that Donkey does have a clue about how The Coop is supposed to run. Proof as per below:)

Donkey said, "For next week ah? How can sure can't make it cause That cart pulling will only be happenning on Coop's dead day. Can't make it for next week lah."

And This concluded the conversation with, "Damn what a load of bullshit. Got only three chickens to eye yet the Farmer still cant keep track."

(End of what happened and now back to you, my man Chickietu)

On top of all the shitty stuff that just happened, yesterday The Farmer keep pestering This Chicken as The Farmer thought This Chicken simply didn't appear in the Coop for the heck of it (when This Chicken was actually at a big-ass egg making material party).

This Chicken wonders if The Farmer does the same to the Donkey? Naaaaaaahhhhh - Chickeitu you know it and This Chicken know it!)

So Chickietu the real actual important point writing and sending you this letter is, do you know anyone who's hiring a chickiceptionist?

This Chicken is tired of farting eggs and would welcome any non-farting activities to do.

Ok Chickietu, you've been a blast!

Thank you for your kind attention, and have a great weekend :D

Chicken on BBB

This Chicken is wasting fart to produce too many eggs. Not that many eggs is a bad thing, but many unsold eggs surely is a bad thing.

Firstly, many unsold eggs means cost on warehousing. Ya lor, where to put so many eggs one? Can break you know. Some more, can go missing.

Secondly, many unsold eggs means a lot of people calling asking, "Dude, where's your egg with our name on it?" How to answer you tell me?

Thirdly, many unsold eggs simply means a lot of farting and no money. Malay people usually sum such situation as, "Mengabihkan boreh!" (Wasting rice only!) So tired from farting eggs, all for nothing, get my drift?

Too bad that Farmer only sells eggs farted out by beloved chickens only. Ones of blue blood, good breed, capable of cackling l*** jokes..

So who am I to question the way things are in the coop? This Chicken might as well go on the BBB mode.

BBB la bang, not BBQ. Though BBQ chicken doesn't sound half bad!

Noooo, BBB does not stand for brilliant breed bird... sorry, the BBB mode is one term that has nothing to do with aspiration nor motivation. It has more to do with the opposite of those.

This Chicken will give you three guesses.

What? Beautiful bountiful bird?
No. Just so you know, no bird was used in making up the term.

Blatantly bitchy biter?
No lah. I wish. But I know where you're coming from, it's cause I said opposite, and no bird used right? Last guess?

Boleh blahlah bengong!
Uiyo! Now that's a cool guess. This Chicken wishes for such grand courage to say that out loud to the deserved crowd. But we're not called Chicken for nothing you know.

People say it is better to get wild, get angry, get whiny, get mad when things don't happen your way. Like This Chicken farting as best as possible and yet none of the eggs produced were appreciated, should I be doing one of the above?

But This Chicken has decided to just buat-buat bodoh, (voila! BBB!) now isn't that just sad?